I'm 40 today.

is it true that I'll stop caring what people think? (+ lists, links, recs <3)

thank you.

Dear friends, 

This week I had a dream that I was squatting a mansion, living there amidst the white marble staircase and infinity pool while the owners were away on a months long trip. In the dream, I felt free. My body was relishing in all the space, in the amenities, and in how powerful it felt to be there without permission. I also had an overwhelming sensation (the kind you remember after waking) of being watched. At one point I left and panicked that the neighbors would see me return, spot me as an intruder. The dream ended there; I didn’t ever make it back. In the morning, I assumed the meaning was self-evident: I want a nicer place to live than the full-of-problems apartment where we currently dwell; squatting is cool and important; but also I need housing stability.

A few days later I had a nourishing Zoom chat with my friend

Cameron Steele

, a fellow writer (one of my favorites; her sentences stun me with their beauty). We did a lot of venting about Substack and the challenges we both face with our work. I told her that too often I find myself writing for an antagonistic reader (I have a specific person in mind, but I shall not dish). I’ve said this before, but sometimes I try to mitigate my points or, like, apologize or over-explain. It makes for bad writing, and sometimes I get so stressy that it makes for no writing. 

Anyway, I realized that this dream was probably also about writing. This newsletter offers so much freedom: it’s DIY, no gatekeepers, I can write literally whatever I want. But also, I feel watched. I don’t feel like I can write whatever I want, I feel like I have rules to follow and expectations to meet. 

I turned 40 this morning at 7:07am. There are a lot of articles by women in their 40s insisting that this is the decade when you stop caring what people think. I don’t think this will be an overnight reality for me, but I feel myself settling into it more and more. Maybe this year I will stop writing for that antagonistic reader. Maybe I will get weird, or at least write more of what I want, with less self-consciousness. 

Not just maybe. Later this weekend I’ll be sending out an essay that is just pure creative nonfiction, a classic personal essay that could have lived on my old LiveJournal. It’s about my 30s, a look back on the mistakes and the lessons of them. (You know that’s what the 30s are for, right?)

And today, below, is the usual roundup of what I’m Reading/Watching/Listening To (+ what I’m feeling grateful for). Thankfully, I always want to write and curate the RWLs, so this feature won’t be going anywhere. This week: a podcast on prayer that I loved, a reflection against mass protests, a SWer’s critique of Anora, some thoughts on the stunning Nickel Boys, a few brief thoughts on the Oscar noms, a really good math rock meme, and more.

Oh hey, also: I know this was a hard week for people. Admittedly, it didn’t feel especially hard for me because it’s all just such a fucking circus, but I truly understand—given what’s to come—those who felt the weight of the spectacle. Maybe I’ll say something cheesy like this every week, to both inspire and remind/convince myself: noncompliance is our duty, doing the work of collective survival is our task and our gift. A lot of things are going to get worse, but I think some things might get way better, and I believe in us to imagine and enact those possibilities. 

I love you. 

love & solidarity,

raechel 

Reading (+Podcasts).