You’ve hit me so hard with this one. I thought I’d be going into 40 guns blazing (so to speak), but my anxiety re: precarity—especially a new situation right now re: housing—has me like, “you fucked everything up by trying to always have passion in your life, ya baby.” lol
Which is to say, the book met me at a crucial time and this essay meets me at one even more so. Thank you for it, and for being vulnerable about what it’s like to not have the security of others our age.
It's so hard! But also the people I know who have more stability are often not okay in other ways? Idk, it's a mess. Sending solidarity on the ~non-traditional~ path.
This was beautiful Raechel and I appreciate your perspective so much. Especially the part about survival being a muscle, which I've found to be very true and helpful. Engaging in Miranda July discourse is challenging for me, perhaps in part because so much of it is being driven by younger writers and I fear sounding preachy, or smug, or just annoying. But fwiw I really loved All Fours as a novel, but I also I utterly did not "relate" to it as a cisgender human woman. I'm 56 years old and on the other side of what July, and so much of <waves hands> The Conversation is framing as this process of walking a terrifyingly rickety bridge over the vast chasm between who you were (young, hot, fertile, employable) and who you will become (old, dried up, barren, irrelevant) and while anecdote isn't evidence, I am here to say it is not that bad, or binary. This is also July's point, in the end, but to get there she really traffics in the same old stereotypes, and even if she's doing so with a wink and a nod, I think the book reinforces them (especially wrt Audra, yes). In any case, I'm still me, I think I'm cute, I have sex and a creative life. At 53 I clawed my way into a job with benefits, which I am grateful for. I wish I could take HRT but I can't because cancer, and, well, I just continue to muddle along. And I absolutely *love* being invisible to both men on the street and to consumer culture; it is revelatory and profound. I'm glad that there's this vibrant ongoing conversation around menopause where once it was shrouded in mystery, but I'm starting to feel like it's a self-perpetuating cycle, revving women on the cusp of 40 up into a state of panic. It makes me a little sad. If you haven't read Darcey Steinke's "Flash Count Diary" I highly recommend; it came out when I was 50 and reframed a lot of my own thinking about what was happening/about to happen.
Thank you for this, Martha! I do logically know it's not binary but I think you're right, even though All Fours is trying to complicate it, it also kind of re-entrenches it. I was absolutely more afraid of perimenopause after reading it than before lol. (&I hated the Audra stuff tbh!). You are def one of my Gen X rolemodels, obviously, so thanks for the reminder here in writing and the reminder of it through your existence. <3
Ahhhhhh!!!! I loved every word of this including the footnotes (especially the one complicating facile ideas about pretty privilege) and I am floored (but not surprised given our many points of connection) by how much of this resonates with me, right at this very moment, so very deeply. I don’t want to emo dump but—after a frustrating week of doctor’s appts, well-intentioned but frankly upsetting financial advice from married home-owning friends, and a really shitty shift at the club tonight—I was spiraling from feeling so lonely with my fears, ambivalence, and contradictions. But this piece reassembled me somehow. Thank you, Raechel 🩷
Thank you, Tracy! I have to tell you I just finished your book (finally!) and I think we would have the dreamiest IRL convo about ALL THE THINGS if we ever got a chance. So much alignment in the tensions we think through..... I hope we can find space to collab someday! <3
That *would* be the dreamiest. Come hang in the Bay Area sometime soon, please?? Please! Or maybe one day a virtual conversation/collab of some sort—I’ll think on it!
This is the line I keep coming back to, not entirely with a disinterested dissatisfaction: "Leaving her marriage was right for her, *and* her husband was better to her than her new lover." She has stepped into a new lifestyle and is better lubed, but the stubborn fact remains - she was treated better where she had been. In a way, isn't this saying that sometimes just wanting to is, in fact, better than taking the step? I guess she's free to take new steps, and there's value in that, but if the steps she takes, with that new freedom, lead to worse outcomes, was that a freedom worth having?
This is not by any means an encomium to servile marriage, but perhaps it's an examination of ideologically-led decision-making.
I appreciate this question and I think for so many people their values/desires would land where you land too! But her new partner was just one facet of her newfound freedom, which came with tons of other benefits she didn't have in her marriage. But again, there is no right answer!
Also, really looking forward to this one: "“pretty privilege” feels like a fairly useless concept to me when what we’re actually talking about is a much more complex desire economy that exists within a landscape of white supremacy, ageism, sexual repression, patriarchy, and capitalism."
Thank you for this. This piece is a triumph and so many of your questions, reflections, observations, and analysis resonate me as I navigate *waves hands* all this in my early 40s. So grateful for your words. Haven't read July's book yet (very long hold at the library!) but soon! Have you read Emma Coply's Eisenberg's "take" on it? Another great one!
Thank you friend! And yes, I loved Emma’s piece and honestly really agreed with the treatment of the fat character. It was an upsetting scene, my least favorite in the book. I had some other critiques too but this essay was already getting unwieldy so I ended up focusing on what it generated rather than the (well-deserved) critiques.
You’ve hit me so hard with this one. I thought I’d be going into 40 guns blazing (so to speak), but my anxiety re: precarity—especially a new situation right now re: housing—has me like, “you fucked everything up by trying to always have passion in your life, ya baby.” lol
Which is to say, the book met me at a crucial time and this essay meets me at one even more so. Thank you for it, and for being vulnerable about what it’s like to not have the security of others our age.
It's so hard! But also the people I know who have more stability are often not okay in other ways? Idk, it's a mess. Sending solidarity on the ~non-traditional~ path.
This was beautiful Raechel and I appreciate your perspective so much. Especially the part about survival being a muscle, which I've found to be very true and helpful. Engaging in Miranda July discourse is challenging for me, perhaps in part because so much of it is being driven by younger writers and I fear sounding preachy, or smug, or just annoying. But fwiw I really loved All Fours as a novel, but I also I utterly did not "relate" to it as a cisgender human woman. I'm 56 years old and on the other side of what July, and so much of <waves hands> The Conversation is framing as this process of walking a terrifyingly rickety bridge over the vast chasm between who you were (young, hot, fertile, employable) and who you will become (old, dried up, barren, irrelevant) and while anecdote isn't evidence, I am here to say it is not that bad, or binary. This is also July's point, in the end, but to get there she really traffics in the same old stereotypes, and even if she's doing so with a wink and a nod, I think the book reinforces them (especially wrt Audra, yes). In any case, I'm still me, I think I'm cute, I have sex and a creative life. At 53 I clawed my way into a job with benefits, which I am grateful for. I wish I could take HRT but I can't because cancer, and, well, I just continue to muddle along. And I absolutely *love* being invisible to both men on the street and to consumer culture; it is revelatory and profound. I'm glad that there's this vibrant ongoing conversation around menopause where once it was shrouded in mystery, but I'm starting to feel like it's a self-perpetuating cycle, revving women on the cusp of 40 up into a state of panic. It makes me a little sad. If you haven't read Darcey Steinke's "Flash Count Diary" I highly recommend; it came out when I was 50 and reframed a lot of my own thinking about what was happening/about to happen.
Thank you for this, Martha! I do logically know it's not binary but I think you're right, even though All Fours is trying to complicate it, it also kind of re-entrenches it. I was absolutely more afraid of perimenopause after reading it than before lol. (&I hated the Audra stuff tbh!). You are def one of my Gen X rolemodels, obviously, so thanks for the reminder here in writing and the reminder of it through your existence. <3
Ahhhhhh!!!! I loved every word of this including the footnotes (especially the one complicating facile ideas about pretty privilege) and I am floored (but not surprised given our many points of connection) by how much of this resonates with me, right at this very moment, so very deeply. I don’t want to emo dump but—after a frustrating week of doctor’s appts, well-intentioned but frankly upsetting financial advice from married home-owning friends, and a really shitty shift at the club tonight—I was spiraling from feeling so lonely with my fears, ambivalence, and contradictions. But this piece reassembled me somehow. Thank you, Raechel 🩷
<3 <3 <3
“The quiet evidence of my ability to survive, built up now like muscle memory.” Yep. Love and feel that (and also this whole essay).
And appreciate the heteropessimism footnote! Feel like I’m sorting through so many not-ready-for-prime-time thoughts/feelings on the topic.
Thank you, Tracy! I have to tell you I just finished your book (finally!) and I think we would have the dreamiest IRL convo about ALL THE THINGS if we ever got a chance. So much alignment in the tensions we think through..... I hope we can find space to collab someday! <3
That *would* be the dreamiest. Come hang in the Bay Area sometime soon, please?? Please! Or maybe one day a virtual conversation/collab of some sort—I’ll think on it!
Beautifully written, as always.
This is the line I keep coming back to, not entirely with a disinterested dissatisfaction: "Leaving her marriage was right for her, *and* her husband was better to her than her new lover." She has stepped into a new lifestyle and is better lubed, but the stubborn fact remains - she was treated better where she had been. In a way, isn't this saying that sometimes just wanting to is, in fact, better than taking the step? I guess she's free to take new steps, and there's value in that, but if the steps she takes, with that new freedom, lead to worse outcomes, was that a freedom worth having?
This is not by any means an encomium to servile marriage, but perhaps it's an examination of ideologically-led decision-making.
I appreciate this question and I think for so many people their values/desires would land where you land too! But her new partner was just one facet of her newfound freedom, which came with tons of other benefits she didn't have in her marriage. But again, there is no right answer!
I feel certain I’ll be back to you on this. Thanks for all you do.
I loved this essay, my friend!
Also, really looking forward to this one: "“pretty privilege” feels like a fairly useless concept to me when what we’re actually talking about is a much more complex desire economy that exists within a landscape of white supremacy, ageism, sexual repression, patriarchy, and capitalism."
Thank you, Vince! I am always humbled by your appreciation. <3 I think of you often and hope you're well!
Thank you for this. This piece is a triumph and so many of your questions, reflections, observations, and analysis resonate me as I navigate *waves hands* all this in my early 40s. So grateful for your words. Haven't read July's book yet (very long hold at the library!) but soon! Have you read Emma Coply's Eisenberg's "take" on it? Another great one!
Thank you friend! And yes, I loved Emma’s piece and honestly really agreed with the treatment of the fat character. It was an upsetting scene, my least favorite in the book. I had some other critiques too but this essay was already getting unwieldy so I ended up focusing on what it generated rather than the (well-deserved) critiques.